About ten years ago, God broke my stubborn heart, and while He’s had to do it over and over because I am quick to forget and slow to obey, I have not forgotten this one thing.
I had a skiing accident that resulted in a catastrophic knee injury at the same time my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. We had surgery less than a week apart—mine to repair my knee, hers to install a port for chemo. Some days, I would drop her off at the cancer center and drive myself to physical therapy. We were steeped in a season of difficulty.
During that time, my husband received a job opportunity in Georgia. I had told him I would follow him anywhere and support him in whatever move God had in store for us. But as he was in Georgia interviewing and touring the facility, I was at home telling God, “Yeah, I’m not doing this. We are maxed out as it is. Moving isn’t going to work for me.”
Then I felt the Holy Spirit speak into me. I was convicted that in trying to tell God what was best rather than trusting Him, I instead demonstrated a lack of faith. This realization knocked the breath out of me. I have been able to quote Proverbs 3:5-6 for as long as I can remember: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” I’d memorized it, but I wasn’t living it. Instead, I had refused to submit to God because I didn’t trust His plan.
When I surrendered my obstinance to God’s will and gave my plans over to Him, a funny thing happened. Brent came home from Georgia and said, “I don’t think this is where God is leading us.” Seriously? I was relieved, but God and I had words. Why couldn’t he have just let me rail? We had to go through all that for nothing.
But it wasn’t for nothing. I had to lay down my will and become teachable. You see, faith isn’t lived out when we agree with the direction God has for us. It’s revealed when don’t see what God’s doing and choose to trust that His ways are higher and for our good. Faith grows when we don’t understand but follow Him in obedience anyway.
Physical therapy and chemotherapy continued as scheduled, and by the end of the year, my mother’s cancer was in remission, and I had run my first (and last) 5K. And I’m sure I gave God plenty more to do lists and carefully mapped out ways to fix all the things, but the reminder remained—lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to HIM.